She stood at the kitchen sink, scrubbing a pan harder than she needed to. Outside, the sun was setting—casting warm light across the floor—but inside her heart, a storm was brewing. They’d argued again. And when he brought up that verse—“wives, submit to your husbands”—something in her stiffened like cold steel. She loved God. She loved her husband. But did loving both mean silencing herself?
Maybe you’ve felt that too. You want to live out the Bible—but sometimes, its words feel like sharp edges when you need a balm.
So let's look again. Not at the versions people have misused. Let’s look at the words Paul actually wrote, where the Holy Spirit meant them to land.
“Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ. Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord… Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.” – Ephesians 5:21-25 (NIV)
It’s there, tucked in before the verses most people quote—the one command often left out: “Submit to one another…”
This is where the conversation starts. Not with authority, but with humility. Not with control, but with Christ.
Submission in Scripture isn’t about becoming less; it’s about lifting the other. And when both husband and wife are called—he to love as Christ loved (sacrificially, tenderly), and she to submit as to the Lord (willingly, faithfully)—you get something closer to a waltz than a wrestling match. You get mutuality. You get oneness.
Remember, these verses weren’t written to people with Pinterest marriages and free marriage counseling. These were real, messy homes in an honor-shame culture where women had few rights and men held near-total authority. Paul’s words in Colossians 3:18-19—“Wives, submit... Husbands, love your wives and do not be harsh with them”—radically cut against the grain of cultural norms. He wasn’t reinforcing power structures—he was redeeming them.
Submission here has nothing to do with abuse, oppression, or forced silence. That’s not Christ’s way. He never crushed the weak to prove his strength. He knelt low, meeting eyes that others chose to avoid. He washed dusty feet. He broke bread with betrayers. He cared for the hearts that no one else noticed.
So why would love between a husband and wife reflect anything less?
If you’ve ever been told submission means swallowing your pain or saying “yes” to wrongdoing… know this: God never asks you to submit to sin. Submission without love, honor, and mutual humility isn’t biblical—it’s broken.
And if you're a husband wondering what your part is—look again at Christ. He bled for His bride. He put her first. Every time. He didn’t dominate. He dwelled with.
I once knew a couple, married for nearly fifty years. They never used the word “submission” around each other, but they lived it. He cherished her opinion; she respected his heart. They still held hands walking through the grocery store. They prayed together before decisions, and they laughed as much as they listened. Was it always easy? No. But they both bent low so they could stand together.
That’s biblical submission: two people crawling closer to the cross, carrying each other when the road gets steep.
So no, the Bible doesn’t say wives should always submit—as if it were blind, one-way obedience. It says we’re to submit to one another. Out of reverence. Out of love. Out of awe for the God who gave Himself first.
And in a marriage bathed in that kind of love, submission doesn’t feel like losing. It feels like trust.
It’s in the way he waits for her when she’s tired. In the way she speaks up when something’s wrong, because silence wouldn’t serve. In how they gently call each other higher—not by shouting, but by choosing gentleness over pride.
Submission isn’t the silence of women. And it’s not the dominance of men. It’s the song of two hearts tuned to the same Savior.
And when it’s real, it sounds a lot like grace.
She stood at the kitchen sink, scrubbing a pan harder than she needed to. Outside, the sun was setting—casting warm light across the floor—but inside her heart, a storm was brewing. They’d argued again. And when he brought up that verse—“wives, submit to your husbands”—something in her stiffened like cold steel. She loved God. She loved her husband. But did loving both mean silencing herself?
Maybe you’ve felt that too. You want to live out the Bible—but sometimes, its words feel like sharp edges when you need a balm.
So let's look again. Not at the versions people have misused. Let’s look at the words Paul actually wrote, where the Holy Spirit meant them to land.
“Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ. Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord… Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.” – Ephesians 5:21-25 (NIV)
It’s there, tucked in before the verses most people quote—the one command often left out: “Submit to one another…”
This is where the conversation starts. Not with authority, but with humility. Not with control, but with Christ.
Submission in Scripture isn’t about becoming less; it’s about lifting the other. And when both husband and wife are called—he to love as Christ loved (sacrificially, tenderly), and she to submit as to the Lord (willingly, faithfully)—you get something closer to a waltz than a wrestling match. You get mutuality. You get oneness.
Remember, these verses weren’t written to people with Pinterest marriages and free marriage counseling. These were real, messy homes in an honor-shame culture where women had few rights and men held near-total authority. Paul’s words in Colossians 3:18-19—“Wives, submit... Husbands, love your wives and do not be harsh with them”—radically cut against the grain of cultural norms. He wasn’t reinforcing power structures—he was redeeming them.
Submission here has nothing to do with abuse, oppression, or forced silence. That’s not Christ’s way. He never crushed the weak to prove his strength. He knelt low, meeting eyes that others chose to avoid. He washed dusty feet. He broke bread with betrayers. He cared for the hearts that no one else noticed.
So why would love between a husband and wife reflect anything less?
If you’ve ever been told submission means swallowing your pain or saying “yes” to wrongdoing… know this: God never asks you to submit to sin. Submission without love, honor, and mutual humility isn’t biblical—it’s broken.
And if you're a husband wondering what your part is—look again at Christ. He bled for His bride. He put her first. Every time. He didn’t dominate. He dwelled with.
I once knew a couple, married for nearly fifty years. They never used the word “submission” around each other, but they lived it. He cherished her opinion; she respected his heart. They still held hands walking through the grocery store. They prayed together before decisions, and they laughed as much as they listened. Was it always easy? No. But they both bent low so they could stand together.
That’s biblical submission: two people crawling closer to the cross, carrying each other when the road gets steep.
So no, the Bible doesn’t say wives should always submit—as if it were blind, one-way obedience. It says we’re to submit to one another. Out of reverence. Out of love. Out of awe for the God who gave Himself first.
And in a marriage bathed in that kind of love, submission doesn’t feel like losing. It feels like trust.
It’s in the way he waits for her when she’s tired. In the way she speaks up when something’s wrong, because silence wouldn’t serve. In how they gently call each other higher—not by shouting, but by choosing gentleness over pride.
Submission isn’t the silence of women. And it’s not the dominance of men. It’s the song of two hearts tuned to the same Savior.
And when it’s real, it sounds a lot like grace.
